I feel like the theme for my year has been acceptance. That’s not to say I’ve been always been super successful at actually practicing acceptance, but it’s a concept that’s been at the forefront of my mind and that I’ve striven to embrace more frequently that I have in the past.
It’s about trust, really, that the universe, in all it’s mysterious ways, has a plan for me, knows what’s best for me at any given time, and will not lead me astray. For a very long time, I lacked that sort of trust or even belief in anything greater and more insightful than myself. But this year my thinking has evolved enough to recognize that there is some all-encompassing order and intention to the seemingly random movements of life. I haven’t put a name on it or assigned it any deities, but I’ve grown comfortable acknowledging its presence and, increasingly, trusting in its wisdom. If I can relax and allow the universe to go about its business, if I can pay attention to and accept whatever is happening at a given moment, I will learn the lessons I’m meant to learn and land safely on my feet. I may not land where I wanted or expected to land, but I’ll be where I’m supposed to be and I’ll trust that some greater force knows what I need better than I do.
That, at least, is the credo by which I aim to function. Do I honor it all the time? Not by a long shot. It’s so easy to forget to remember, if you know what I mean. It’s reflexive, at least for me, to want to control situations and believe that my way is the only right way, and then get frustrated and discouraged when things don’t fit my plans or ideals. It’s deceptively difficult to relax, trust, and roll with the moment. Old habits and thought patterns intrude, making it hard to stop and observe, be mindful and learn, to simply accept. I frequently find myself slipping into this learned autopilot at work and even when I’m conscious of it, I’m often unsure how to pull myself out and into a trusting acceptance. Be it the actions of clients or coworkers, or my own fears, insecurities, and scars of past work experiences, I believe I’m responsible for the ebb and flow of my environment, that I have to exert my control to alter whatever feels wrong to me. But I don’t and I forget that a lot. I’m trying to learn to let go and let things be as they are, not internalizing them or letting them throw me off my path. If I can simply be aware, do my job to the best of my abilities, focus on my good intentions, and honor myself, things will work out. If I can accept the “bad” days with the “good” ones (and find a way to quit this good/bad, black/white labeling mentality), I can find the meaning in the perceived negatives and begin make my job a little easier for myself. It’s all about acceptance, and while this a major renovation project on my mind, I’m determined to give it my best shot.
But it’s not only at work where I need to highten my acceptance skills. There’s much about my life with which I am actively or at least occasionally dissatisfied and long to “fix.” This business with my old gang snubbing me at my alma mater’s homecoming has, for me, highlighted and underlined the sorry state of my friendships. Meaning, for all intents and purposes, I really have none nearby at the moment. I do have any number of devoted friends around the country and world, and they by no means mean any less to me by virtue of distance. But proximity means having some semblance of a social life, going out occasionally, catching a movie or concert, just hanging out and shooting the shit. This didn’t bother me so much before I started working, perhaps because being sheltered was the norm. But now I think it would be nice to have some friends or even a friend with whom I could blow off steam after a stressful day or week of work. In my quest for mental balance and healthy stress management skills, I suspect that would be good for me. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances, but no one with whom I actively and comfortably spend time. And it’s hard not to get into that vicious thought cycle of “What’s wrong with me that I have no friends, that even my old friends are too busy or uninterested to see me?” Which gets me nowhere but down. I know I need to accept that, for whatever reason, this is where I’m meant to be right now. Maybe I need to have this continued solitude to keep figuring things out and making things right for myself. Maybe this is extended cocoon time and I’m not yet ready to crawl out and spread my wings. Maybe I haven’t stumbled upon the right person or people in which to invest my friendly energies. Whatever the reason, it’s clearly not my time to have a social life, so I need to be patient and accept it for what it is.
The same goes for dating. I’m mostly apathetic about all of that, but I have the occasional, “I’m 34 and I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life” panic. It is what it is, despite my periodic angst. I don’t want to date just anybody anymore. Historically, relationships have thrown me into total emotional insanity, and I’d rather not go there until I know I can pace myself. So I’m probably not ready and my singleton status is probably a blessing. It’s more my future status that tends to worry me. But why am I worried about something that hasn’t happened yet? I’ve accepted the now of it and whatever the later brings, I must learn to accept that. Whatever that is, it’s what’s right for me, for whatever reason. Perhaps I’ll grow to be so content with myself, the desire to be with someone won’t feel so urgent, nor will the lack of having someone feel like some sort of personal failure. Or I could meet someone totally great who just hasn’t come on the scene yet. Anything could happen, which is why I need to work on accepting my current status and stop obsessing over things to come. Of course, I could also accept that it’s in my nature to obsess like that and tame it with a little compassion. Ditto for the friends sitch.
So, yeah, this year’s magic word is acceptance, and I’m doing all I can to really internalize it. I’m pretty sure I’ll keep stumbing over it to get to it, but change this major doesn’t happen quickly. I’ll remind myself to accept that, too. And, as always, I’ll keep trying. I’m not perfect, but I’m aiming for a little serenity, not superhuman invincibility. That’s perfectly acceptable, right?
And now, because it’s really cold outside, I’m going to accept that my hands are freezing and promptly end this post!